If you don’t like the words nipples, breasts, boobs, or anything similar, then I highly recommend you not read this post. You’ve been warned.
I’m also breaking this up into multiple posts to follow my progress so I can possibly help someone else out there going through the same crap. But part one today is just me complaining, just a forewarning. Because it’s taking all of me to not scream my head off about this issue. I am super glad I was cleared to work out again because it’s my coping mechanism and I need it like I’ve never needed it before.
I’m partially writing this post to just VENT my frustrations out there, but also to ask for your help because if there’s one thing I’ve learned about blogging, it’s that somewhere out there someone has probably gone through the same thing as you and can offer some really great advice.
I. Am. Done.
I say that, but I don’t really mean it. But I just feel so done. Breastfeeding SUCKS for me. SUCKS. I have persistent sore nipples, I still don’t know why. I’ve been to more doctors and lactation consultants and lactation DOCTORS and spend countless money on co-pays and prescriptions and STILL have no answers. I’m frustrated beyond belief and my heart breaks every. single. time. I have to pump and bottle feed breast milk to my little guy because my boobs just can’t take the breastfeeding.
I commend you mothers who decide that breast feeding just isn’t for you and decide to go the formula route. I am stubborn and refuse to give formula. My milk supply is fantastic and my little guy is packing on the pounds, so I don’t need to worry about supplementing. It’s just a personal preference of mine to strictly avoid formula at all costs and to only give him breast milk. I don’t judge anyone who chooses formula, so please don’t think that. Again, it’s just a preference of mine.
I’ve been exclusively pumping for a little over a month now because my nipples apparently can’t get their sh*t together. They’ve been sore from the start, and I have no answers as to why. I’ve tried countless creams and ointments while exclusively pumping to try to heal them. I’ve even seen a dermatologist who basically made me waste money on some crappy cream that has done nothing. Landon doesn’t have tongue tie, thrush, and his latch is fine. He’s been assessed for any issues that may cause it, and he’s perfectly healthy and fine. I’ve had my nipples cultured for bacteria, was placed on some seriously heavy duty antibiotics to kill some random bacteria that was growing on them which has now cleared. Thank God for that. But they’re still sore. And it still hurts to attempt to breast feed. And I’m still stuck pumping.
My life literally revolves around this stupid machine. I have to strategically plan ANYTHING I want to do around pumping. And sure I can pump in my car or at a friends house, or whatever, but it’s so incredibly LONELY to have to excuse yourself to sit alone in a room while a machine tugs at your nipples for 20 minutes so you can feed your kid. But yet, I do it because formula is out of the question for me. And I know my little boy is happy (he is seriously the best baby EVER) and doesn’t care how he gets his milk, as long as he gets it…but I still want to cry every time I give him a bottle. I feel like my body has completely failed me, and failed him. Why can’t I just be one of those moms that just whips their boobs out in public? Why do I have to shelter myself and be hooked up to a pump instead?
I have no idea what’s to come with this in the future. And while they are SLIGHTLY less painful than they were, it still hurts to put a freaking bra on every day. I can’t even use a towel to dry my boobs after a shower. It’s seriously a miracle I don’t have postpartum depression at this point (I promise you, I don’t). I so want to be okay with giving him a bottle, but I’m just not. I try to breast feed when I think they are a little better, and it still hurts. My nipples are BRIGHT red. All the time. I want to be okay with exclusively pumping, but part of me is also wondering if pumping is the problem. But I’ve been observed by the best lactation doctor in the state who has confirmed I am pumping correctly. So again. I have no clue what’s gong on.
I will say that the lactation doctor I’m meeting with is the best in the state and has done more for me than any doctor I’ve ever met with. She’s still actively working with me to solve the issue, but apparently I’m a rare case. I’ve been PRAYING we get an answer, but I just can’t help my frustration.
So I’m writing this today to just vent, because I need to, and to ask for help because I don’t know what else to do. At this point, I’m a professional exclusive pumper. I’ll even write a blog post on the best methods to exclusively pump because I know them all. So if you need pumping help, I’m your girl. I hate it, but I’m good at it. But, has anyone else experienced this before? This persistent, done-everything-you-can-think-of, stubborn sore nipples? I am praying that maybe, just maybe, there’s someone else out there who has done the same things I’ve done and maybe has a suggestion that I haven’t come across yet. I warn you, I’ve seriously read it all/done it all. But I’m open to ANYTHING at this point to try to get my nipples back in order so I can actually enjoy breast feeding again. Because exclusively pumping SUCKS, and you women who do it by choice are seriously my heroes. You all deserve some really amazing vacation or diamonds or something because it’s seriously the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
I don’t even know if any of this makes sense, I’m just writing as I think and don’t even care to proofread at this point. But hopefully someone has an answer for me.
On a much happier note. Landon’s nursery is finally finished. If I can pry myself away from my pump, I will be able to take some really great pictures to finally get some blog posts up about it!