How to Help Someone Going Through a Miscarriage October 15, 2014
Today, October 15th, is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.
For those new here, I experienced my first miscarriage in February of 2012. You can read about it here. Sadly and unexpectedly, I experienced my second last week. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I thought my odds were good, considering I’d already experienced one. Unfortunately, I was wrong.
I now have two babies waiting for me in Heaven.
I’m not writing this to ask you for your sympathy. I’m writing this to help bring awareness for those who don’t know what it’s like to experience this kind of loss. Let me explain.
From the second you see those two pink lines, your mind starts getting ahead of you, thinking about if this baby is a boy or girl, what will his/her name be, what will the nursery look like, etc. It’s not even something you can help…the mind just goes there. Or at least that’s what mine did. I was so excited for Landon to be a big brother. And this pregnancy happened unexpectedly, which made me even more excited because of all the junk we dealt with last time. We were beyond thrilled. I even have a video of how I told Pat. Miscarriage didn’t even cross my mind…how could it? I already had my 1 in 4. But I was mistaken.
Emotionally, I’m handling this much better than the last time…most likely because this time I’m running around after a toddler (which makes it tough to rest, by the way). He has been an incredible distraction! But I’m also trusting that God knows the desires of my heart and that Landon will be a big brother some day. I don’t want to experience what I went through last time…it was a very dark point in my life, and I refuse to relive it. So I’m focusing on God’s promises, and ultimately guarding my heart.
I feel it’s important to represent my fellow mamas who’ve experienced this loss, and to share with you how to help someone going through a miscarriage. I think because it’s such a personal, emotional situation that sometimes people end up not knowing how to react. It’s important to understand the sensitivity of the issue and know how to respond accordingly, and sympathetically.
***If you’ve experienced a miscarriage and have something to add to this list, please leave me a comment and I will update this as we go.***
1. Please understand that we just lost our baby. While a 6 week old fetus may not seem like a baby to some of you, it is to the mother who was carrying him/her. That was our baby. Our child. Who didn’t make it to experience life on earth. We mourn it as a death because that’s what it is. My baby had a heartbeat. How do I know? Because I saw it 3 days before I miscarried. His or her heart beat was 126bpm, which was perfect for 6 weeks gestation, per the sonographer. My baby had a heart beat. All of ours did at one point. A miscarriage is a death. We are mourning the potential of what we could have had. So please treat it as the loss it is, and understand that we are grieving.
2. Please refrain from the following phrases: “It will happen again!” “It just wasn’t the right time.” “Did you do something wrong?” “Hang in there!” “It was God’s will.” We will respond sweetly to you, but in our minds we are stabbing you in the eye with knives because you just stabbed us in the heart. No mother who just lost her baby wants to hear any of those statements. And we especially don’t need to be questioning if we were to blame. A simple, “I’m so sorry” is enough.
3. Bring us food. I personally hate cooking. It was so helpful when my mom cooked a week’s worth of food for me when I experienced my first miscarriage. And a close friend of mine brought me dinner the night we found out the second time. It was wonderful to not have to worry about what I would be feeding my family, and equally as wonderful to not have to spend money on take out. Just send a text, say you’d like to drop off dinner, and then come and go. We are so appreciative, I promise.
4. Listen to us. We may need to talk. We may need to cry. Sometimes it helps us to just talk about what happened. Please just know when to be silent and listen.
5. But understand we may need to be alone. Sometimes we don’t want to talk. Maybe we just want to sit in our bedroom and cry. This is all part of our grieving process, so just be sensitive to what we are going through.
6. Do not minimize our loss. A loss is a loss. Do not make statements such as, “Well at least you were only 6 weeks.” 6 weeks is still 6 weeks. That’s still a pregnancy. That’s still a baby. Do not criticize our feelings.
7. Don’t just say nothing. Please don’t act as though nothing has happened. To us, that means you aren’t acknowledging the existence of this pregnancy. You don’t need to ask details, but you can definitely ask how we are doing or if there’s anything you can help us with. Again, it’s appreciated.
8. Be sensitive to the aftermath. I became very angry after my first miscarriage. It took us a while to get pregnant, my body was very messed up, and I felt like my friends were getting pregnant left and right. I had to sign off of Facebook for a while because I couldn’t take the constant ultrasound photos and pregnancy announcements. It was very hard for me to be happy for my pregnant friends when I was suffering. Recovering from a miscarriage is a very emotional and difficult process. Even if we seem fine, we are still sensitive. The wound is still open. It still hurts. We aren’t asking you to hide from us or to shield us from your pregnancy, but just be mindful with certain things. For instance, it’s probably not a smart idea to text your friend who just miscarried a month ago with a picture of a positive pregnancy test and “I’M PREGNANT!!!!!!” with an abundance of exclamation points. It’s not that we won’t be happy for you, but every pregnancy reminds us of our lost one, so we just need to receive it in a more gentle manner. Does that make sense?
It’s hard for someone who hasn’t experienced a miscarriage to fully understand what a woman goes through during that time. And those of us who have suffered, surely would never wish it on our worst enemy. It is emotionally and physically draining, and just downright awful.
Here is a fantastic list of resources if you or someone you know is experiencing a miscarriage.
Tonight, on National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, I invite all who’ve experienced a pregnancy or infant loss to light a candle at 7pm. Keep it burning for at least one hour to create a “wave of light” throughout the world to represent our lost angel babies.
I’ll be lighting two this year.
I’m So sorry for your loss!!
xo Kelly
Thank you Kelly, I appreciate that! xo
tHANK YOU FOR SHARING IN SUCH A BEAUTIFUL WAY. I EXPERIENCED TWO LOSSES, VERY SIMILARLY TO YOUR SITUATIONS. THE 2ND LOSS WAS SO MUCH HARDER BECAUSE, LIKE YOU SAID “i HAD MY 1 IN 4”. aND WHEN WE HAD ALMOST GIVEN UP HOPE THAT WE’D EVER MAKE OUR FIRST GUY A BIG BROTHER, GOD GAVE US A RAINBOW. I PRAY YOU SEE YOUR RAINBOW SOON TOO. ♥
Thank YOU for sharing your experience here April. I’m so glad you have a rainbow, I have one (Landon) and hope to have another soon! <3
Lauren thanks for sharing this, it’s nicely written. And I truly I am sorry.
Thank you Roxy, and thank you for reading it!
So touching thanks for taking the time to write about this and I’m so very sorry for your loss. You have every reason to feel the way you feel as god values life and these lost ones…psalms 139:16- Your eyes even saw me as anembryo. He gives us comfort- a time soon when we will not have to face death anymore. Revelation 21:4-“And he will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away.”
Keeping you in my prayers!
Love that scripture Ashley! Thank you for sharing, it was just what I needed to hear today. <3
SOrry for your loss, I too been thru a miscarriage on top of a 2lb cyst that was threatening to burst and cutting off blood flow to my left overy. so when I loss the baby, I didn’t even get a chance to mourn my loss and had to go straight to panic mode on the surgery to get this cyst removed and an organ removed. Then of course, I worry about the chance of getting pregnant and while cognitively I know, it just take one overy to do the job but knowing there’s 2 with an increased chance, makes me feel that an already difficult task of getting pregnant with hope. So, I am glad you mentioned that even at 6 weeks, it means alot to a mom, any mom. Because with that, I lost hope on a new life, disappointment at myself, and just overall feeling of failure. I know either way, it’s beyond my control, but you can’t help but feel that way. Anyway, thank you for posting.
I’m so sorry you had that experience Patty. There are just no words. Please know you are not a failure by any means, and you’ll be reunited with your baby in Heaven someday! <3
I would like to add to your list of things not to say. Don’t say, “Well, at least you have x number of kids so you shouldn’t be too sad.” Or , “Maybe God is trying to tell you something. Maybe he is trying to tell you to stop. Maybe you should adopt.” Both of these were said to me after having multiple miscarriages (I have had 7 mc and have 2 live kids). It is so much easier and nicer to just say “I’m so sorry!”
I will definitely add that Kate! That’s just awful, I’m so sorry people were that inconsiderate to say those things to you! I can’t imagine how much worse that made an already heartbreaking situation. You’re right, a simple “I’m sorry” is where it should be left at! <3
I am so sorry for your loss. I have suffered through miscarriages and can feel your pain. I would also add that people shouldn’t say “the baby was probably deformed or had a disabillity” as if I would have loved it any less. A loss is a loss and it’s heartbreaking no matter how you slice it.
I’m always here if you want to talk.
Xoxo
I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for your courage in posting this! I will be praying for you.
I think the one thing that helps me the most is to not be judged for my emotions – I cried for days and months. There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t think of my little one. I was 14 weeks along which is the “safe stage” and to hear someone say oh well you werent pregnant that long just crushed me. Oh the normal reply of “you’ll get your rainbow baby” – but to tell the truth I didn’t want my rainbow baby I wanted the baby I just lost back. Thank you for sharing this. If you have a friend that just miscarried let them know you’re sorry and maybe ask them what you can do to be a blessing. Meals? Watch their children if they have others so they can rest…send them a gift card to a coffee shop, spa or something. Flowers? Chocolates? A note? If you know their love language try to be there in that way. For me to know someone cared and really believed like I did that I lost a BABY was a big deal.
As a mommy who lost her baby doing something physical helped so I told my hubby I NEED a ring for my baby. Something to remind me that my baby wasn’t lost or missing but that my little one was safe and that I was blessed to be able to carry him/her for as long as they could be carried in this world. Also for me it helped to name our baby – we picked the name Emerson. Funny backstory is that when we were thinking of baby names my hubby thought of the name Emerson and I was like oh that’s pretty I’ll put it on the girl list…and he was like oh I wanted it on the boy list. So we put it on both. After I miscarried it hit me like a ton of bricks pain and heartache like I’ve never felt before…once I processed things a little I knew I wanted I name our angel so we did – Emerson. ☺️ Hope this helps someone. I’m very passionate about sharing my story so others know they’re not alone. It’s not all roses. I still have my hard days. Like Emerson’s due date (the day after Christmas) wow was that hard this year (2017)! Emerson’s going home date (the day God called baby home). Remember there’s nothing you did wrong no matter what people tell you. Hugs to all you mommies. You’re a mom whether you’re baby is in your belly, arms or in heaven.