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(Photo by Victoria Gloria, who captures motherhood beautifully)
This post has been coming for quite some time now, but I’ve finally decided to hit publish because I’m so done with seeing what I’m seeing lately. On Facebook, in mom groups, or wherever someone feels the need to pass along their unwanted opinion.
I don’t understand why there’s this great need for “mom-shaming” and passing judgment on other mothers.
I became a mother over 4 years ago, but I felt the judgment long before that even happened. (I’m happy to say I’m now at a place where I give zero f**ks what someone thinks of my parenting methods, but it took quite some time to actually get there.) We got pregnant, miscarried, and then struggled for 9 months to conceive again. No, that’s not long compared to some others, but it was the darkest time in our life and we hit an all time level of low that I hope we never reach again. I can’t tell you how many times hurtful comments were thrown at me over why we weren’t pregnant yet. “It’s not hard to get pregnant, just have sex!” <—-yes, you read that correctly. Do you know how badly that comment crushed me into a million pieces that took forever to pick up again? It’s a miracle I didn’t rip the person’s head off.
Then we had Landon, and I struggled with breastfeeding issues. Now listen, I know many people struggle with breastfeeding, but I REALLY STRUGGLED. I cried every day for 3 months straight, went to countless lactation consultants, and did just about everything I possibly could until I finally said I can’t do this anymore. And that’s when I chose to exclusively pump for THIRTEEN LONG MONTHS. Do you know why? Because of the judgment I felt from other moms. From FRIENDS of mine. Friends who said, “Breastfeeding is easy, just pop the kid on!” or “Formula is like poison, you can’t give that to your baby.” or “Your baby will have poor immunity if he doesn’t have breastmilk.” Those comments are so incredibly crushing to a mother who tried her freakin’ hardest to make shit work and it JUST. WASN’T. WORKING. I spent 13 months in hell as a first time mom hooked up to that stupid pump every 3-4 hours while I swear it was calling me an asshole (literally, that’s how it sounded…”ass-hole, ass-hole, ass-hole.) because I WAS AFRAID OF JUDGMENT. I am incredibly proud I did it for that long, but I look back and think…for what? My own happiness? I wasn’t happy. My baby would’ve been totally fine on formula. (This isn’t to say anything negative about EPers, it’s just my personal experience. And no, I would never EP again.)
There are countless more situations that occurred over the past 4 years that I could share with you, but I won’t even entertain them because they don’t matter one bit. But why is it that we feel the need to press our opinions on moms? When did this happen? What happened to “it takes a village?” What happened to having compassion and support for our fellow mothers?
I simply do not get it. There are many ways to gently educate someone on an issue, but many times I can see that no education is actually needed. It’s simply a parenting CHOICE, because we all have the right to parent in our own ways. It doesn’t matter who does CIO and who co-sleeps. It doesn’t matter who does breastmilk or who does formula. It doesn’t matter who allows TV and who doesn’t. It doesn’t matter who home schools or public schools. It doesn’t matter who’s a working mom or a stay at home mom. IT DOESN’T MATTER. We’re all MOMS, no one is better than the other based on parenting methods. And unless we are physically or emotionally harming our child (our ourselves, for that matter), it’s no one’s business how we parent EXCEPT OUR OWN.
Postpartum depression and anxiety are more common than you think. There are a lot of women who suffer in complete silence, and usually show no signs or symptoms publicly. You never, ever know what someone is struggling with in private, which is why it’s SO important to be compassionate, kind, and watch what you say. Your negative, judgmental comment can be the one thing that pushes that mom over the edge. I’ve heard numerous stories of mothers taking their own lives because of severe PPD. It’s a sad reality, and we need to be mindful of that. Have a filter. Think before you speak.
We put enough guilt on ourselves as mothers, and we don’t need anyone else adding more guilt on top of that. Motherhood is hard. I don’t know one mother who claims this to be easy. I am personally just trying to raise children who are decent, kind, and compassionate human beings, and in today’s world that’s really hard. Do you know where they’ll learn that from? ME. I have to set the example. And I can show that by not passing judgment on others.
I was that girl before I had kids. I was the friend who totally passed judgment on all my mom friends for whatever decisions they made because I didn’t understand what they were actually going through. I think we’re probably all a little guilty of that, and if I could go back in time and change things I said or ways I acted, I WOULD. In fact, I even apologized to many of my mom friends for being hurtful, even though I didn’t realize just how hurtful I was back then. We all do it. But we DON’T need to continue doing that as moms.
We have to stop being judgmental. We have to stop criticizing other mothers (and fathers!) for how they parent. We need to be supportive and uplifting to each other. It’s OKAY to disagree with a parenting method. You can disagree and still be supportive.
You do YOU and don’t worry about anyone else. This is what we should all be practicing as parents, unless some great harm is involved. Imagine how amazing it would be if we could all get on board with this?
Please stop the mom-shaming. The parent-shaming! Please think before you speak. Please adopt the method of “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” Please realize that it can be as simple as, “Oh, we don’t do THAT.” All of our life situations are different, and we are just trying to navigate parenthood in the best way we can. What works for one family might not work for another. There are ways to make gentle suggestions without coming off as accusatory or judgmental. It is so, so important for us to remember that, or to quickly realize when we’re in the wrong (and apologize!).
A few of my followers wanted to share their own experiences of mom judgment in hopes that we can all learn from these situations:
“I would say the most hurtful moments of mom judgment have come when people question our medical decisions or my daughters diagnosis. My daughters struggles are not easily visible and I’ve had so many people tell me they don’t think any things wrong with her. Maybe this is meant to be a comfort but it feels like it questions my own intuition and observations. It instantly invalidates the very real and heartbreaking struggles we have and it instantly isolates me from who ever says this to me. Automatically that person doesn’t feel like a safe place to navigate this really rocky journey with.” – Sydney H.
“I planned to breastfeed my baby boy, but knew it would be a struggle. I know I don’t have a high pain tolerance, but I knew I had friends that were successful and I had resources all around me to help me get the hang of it, so to speak. I was ALL IN. It worked for a few weeks. We struggled with latching, a small mouth and a tongue tie. I was finally getting the hang of it by week 5 when I noticed a significant decrease in my supply. My babe was getting fussy because he wasn’t getting enough to eat, which in turn stressed me out. So I went to my lactation consultant and of course everything was perfect in her office, then within the week I would be hurting, he wouldn’t latch and I would be frustrated just in time to go back to the lactation consultant. Turns out, my thyroid condition was to blame. All those hormones trying to figure out their new normal, I’d totally forgotten that my thyroid could affect my milk supply. Long story short, I ended up doing what was best for my sanity and my baby’s belly and chose a formula I was comfortable with. I continued to pump milk and offer it as long as my body was still providing it, but in the end, my baby was being fed and was growing and I was still struggling with the “guilt” of my body not functioning the way I was told it should. I can’t tell you how many times I would be around other women while with my friends who were having successful breastfeeding journeys and having another (usually older) woman/mom say “oh yeah, that is so the best thing. I’m so glad you don’t have to use that icky (insert any negative adjective) stuff for your baby.” – Like, I’m standing right here, another brand new mom and you don’t know me from Adam or that I’m in the throws of hormonal balancing + mom guilt about not having my body work the “way it’s supposed to”. I know that breastfeeding is good, but when you can’t, you can’t. And no mom should be made to feel guilty about how to feed her baby. EVEN if she didn’t want to breastfeed, there are wonderful healthy options out there and I’m happy to know that a child will get the nutrients they need even when a mama’s body doesn’t provide it directly. It took me a loooooong time to get to the point of accepting that, and it probably wouldn’t have taken so long if other mom’s would just keep their mouth’s shut about how “breast is best”. Because I found out the fed is best and my (almost) 1 year old is happy and thriving and smart and the most adorable tiny human I could ever have created.” – Jess W.
“I was judged because my daughter weaned herself from the breast at 4 weeks and I am judged because my son is still insisting on his “boobie” at nap time after 2 and a half years. My view therefore is: Since you just can’t win, do your own thing and f*ck the rest, quite frankly! (As long as the kids are safe obviously.)” – Stacy
“A little over three years ago my son passed away at birth. We knew that he had a condition that was considered “lethal” and he was not expected to survive. This was obviously an extremely hard time for my husband, daughter, and I- the worst days of our lives. Losing a child changes you. And of course it changes the way you parent. A few months after losing my son I had a family member (an in-law) tell me I was “too overprotective” if my daughter. Not only was I still working through losing my son I now felt like I was causing my daughter to miss out on things or stifling her development in some way because I was “overprotective”. After weeks of being upset I finally confided in a friend who was 100% supportive and told me the fact that I was functioning at all was amazing. Being able to talk through he situation with someone I trusted helped SO much! The moral of my story is- you never know what someone is going through. Me seeming “overprotective” of my daughter after the death of her brother is a natural reaction. Nothing I was doing was harming her or upsetting her. I was taking care of her and loving her well, even through the pain. But the insinuation that I was doing something wrong sent me into more depression and grief, rather than being constructive. If you are really concerned about someone’s parenting offer help, be kind- don’t name call!” – Meredith
“I had my son in 2010 after a year and half of trying to conceive and one miscarriage. My husband I were very excited to bring our little boy home. What I didn’t expect to bring home were the overwhelming feelings of self-doubt and sadness. (due to hormones, which I know now). I stayed home with my son for 10 months. During that time, I had a hard time being away from him. He even went on our anniversary date in his carseat ???? Family would come to visit us, but I had a hard time when he was not in my arms. My son took a long time to nurse, it was an hour sometimes. So in another hour I was nursing him again. (in hindsight I was not eating or drinking properly which affected my supply). My mother in law would make comments about feeding him formula. She would also suggest putting cereal in it so he would sleep longer. I was already feeling guilty about my supply and her comments did not help. I beat myself up pretty badly. Anything anyone said, I took like a personal attack. He slept with me too, which I don’t recommend but it worked for our family. I slept with him all the time, even naps. I would sleep through meals. I got down to a size 8, which for me is not normal. My husband approached me one day after I had gone back to work teaching. He was so gentle and sweet with his words of concern. He suggested that I see someone. I was crying all the time and was so attached to my son. It was getting to an unhealthy state. So, I started seeing someone and knew at that point I had postpartum. I felt like no one talked about this part of motherhood. We did not live around family at the time and my friends were too afraid to say anything. After therapy and healing, I realized I needed to share my story with my friends and family. I have been very open about my experience. A few of my friends have come back to thank me for sharing because they ended up going through something similar. In those moments, I became passionate about not judging other women and not being afraid to share my experience. It is critical that we filter our words and support other moms. You never know what other people are going through.” – Amanda
“I am a new mom (my son is 5 months old) and I have already felt ALL THE JUDGMENT! One situation that sticks out in my head is when I sent out this adorable picture of my son smiling while sitting in a Bumbo seat to some close friends and family. (I’ll include the pic below) One of my best friends (who is an occupational therapist) promptly replied telling me that since my son cannot sit up on his own, I shouldn’t be putting him in a seat like that-that it would affect the development of his spine and could potentially cause developmental issues later in his life! Sorry-It’s not like I left him in the seat unattended for hours!! I couldn’t believe that she offered me her unsolicited (and probably untrue) opinion. Needless to say, he’s still sitting in a Bumbo and his pediatrician seems to think he’s developing just fine!” – Molly
“I struggled with post partum anxiety after my son was born (though I didn’t realize what it was initially) and had many people comment why I was struggling so much with adjusting to motherhood 🙁 Comments like “you only went back to work part time there are women working full time with multiple kids why are you so overwhelmed” or “why are you so anxious there’s nothing really causing that big of a problem for you” etc. After working with a really great counselor I was able to understand more about PPA and be more forgiving with myself 🙂 I wrote this blog post with hopes it would help other moms dealing with PPA!” – Susan, Fill Your Cup Blog
“I believe you should always mother the way you want to mother. Mother the way that feels right and natural to you. If 20 minutes of TV gives you a sanity break, do it. If an all organic diet feels right, do it. If you want to be a SAHM, WAHM, or a working mom and put your kid in daycare, do it. Never let anyone make you feel like you are less than. Don’t let mom guilt bring you down and definitely don’t let mom wars or know it all moms make you feel like you are less than the best mother your child could ever have. At the end of the day, none of us are perfect mothers. None of us have all the answers but we certainly have the best answers for our lives and our own children. So always mother your way.” – an excerpt from an awesome blog post by Jennifer at Teagan’s Sandbox (I highly recommend reading!)
Thank you for this! Ugh it really grinds me to see so many women have been hurting each other like this! Thank you for sharing, and thank you for sharing the wonderful mothers stories as well! Such an encouragement! We got this mama’s!
Amazing post! Love your honesty! I’ve only been a mom for 6 months now, but I wanted to be a mom for 5 years – that’s how long it took us to conceive our daughter, that & lots of infertility treatment, 2 miscarriages, and finally an egg donor. Throughout those years we got SO much unwarranted and unwanted advice about how to get pregnant (like you were told, just have sex!) & these things were hurtful because they were usually the simplest or most ridiculous things like “go on a vacation & you’ll get pregnant” or “just give it to God and you’ll get pregnant” I’m sorry but, no. I know a lot of people did not have bad intentions with their advice but sometimes I wanted to say please think about what you’re saying before you say it! I haven’t had too many issues now that I’m a mom, but being open about our story on Instagram and facebook and on my blog has definitely opened up the gates for people to say things about our choices. Like you said – we feel enough guilt and question ourselves enough, let’s leave our opinions and judgements about others choices at the door.
I am a pediatric feeding therapist and my oldest daughter had a really hard time transition long to solids and then tablefoods. I tried all the strategies I teach parents all the time but none were working with my daughter and I felt like such a failure thinking “why can I help other people’s kids but not my own?” It was a very stressful time and I had so much anxiety every time I went to feed her. At the same time I was allowing her to keep on to her bottle rather than transition her to a sippy cup (which she of course refused) when we went to whole milk. So many of my coworker would give me “the look” or comment “maybe that’s why she won’t eat because she knows she is going to get a bottle.” I felt horrible about myself as a mother and as a therapist but I knew this was the only way I could be sure she was getting the calories she needed that she was missing from her food. After taking her to the pediatrician for her 18month checkup and she wasn’t even on the growth chart for weight, he turned to me a calmly said “she’s fine, she’s healthy, she will eat, you are doing a great job.” After having him reassure me and tell me I was doing a good job I finally let go and let her show me what she was ready for and stopped getting so upset when she wouldn’t eat. Now she is 6, still a picking eater not drinking from a bottle, happy, thriving, and a healthy weight. I use my experience now to help the families I work with on a daily basis…having gone through what they are experiencing has given me a new perspective and compassion for them and made me a better Mom and therapist.
Susan – I have a similar story as yours. My son is 2.5 and he has a milk protein intolerance. It took us the first 6 months of his life to finally get him on Neocate which is completely broken down and amino acid based. I work in the maternal and child health field and so I struggled with very severe guilt over not being able to breastfeed. Not because of my son’s milk protein intolerance but because he had a bad lip tie and tongue tie (revised at just days old and then again at age 1 because it wasn’t done properly the first time) and he wouldn’t latch for nothing. I did everything! I have a close friend that I work with who is a CLC, IBCLC and she came to the hospital several times and I worked with her days after I was discharged to try and get my son to latch but he wouldn’t. The intolerance was something we discovered later on and went through the process of trying to figure out which formula would work for him. Anyways, I say all this because I truly do feel like there was so much trauma related to everything we went through that now my son struggles with eating solids. He had no trouble with pureed foods but once we started introducing solids we learned that there was something more going on. He’s been in a feeding aversion clinic for a year now, the specialists don’t feel like it’s a true aversion so we are in OT on a weekly basis for food therapy. He makes progress every week but it is very slow moving. I have to say though, my son’s pediatrician has been such a huge support through this entire process. He has always encouraged me and is confident that one day, Gray will eat all sorts of foods!!! It’s hard! I have so much guilt about this rough road my son has had to go down but I can honestly say he is one happy, healthy kid! He’s at the 50% for weight now when he used to hover around the 20%. There aren’t many people that I know, who’ve struggled with something like this so it helped to read your comment and know that you understand completely what I’ve been going through. Glad to hear your daughter is doing well!!!
As young recovering perfeccionist and people pleaser new mom, any comment would take me to a really bad place. I was practically the first one in my circle of friends to be a mom. And my son was the first grandson in both families having one set living VERY CLOSE. It was not easy.
The second time I became pregnant I lost the baby and one the comments when that happens are not the best. Just one day after the miscarriage I had someone tell me “it’s better to just shake it off and keep living” I couldn’t just shake it off when all I wanted to do was cry and all the words I needed were “I’m sorry, I’m here for you”
Another thing that I don’t like is the comments regarding a new mom’s physical appearance. I bounce back easily and I’m thankful for that but the “you are loosing a lot of weight” “you’re going to disappear” “you’re breastfeeding you can eat whatever you want “you look better when you’re not too skinny” all while I was eating all the time and was really affected by my clothes hanging on me. I didn’t feel good and their comments didn’t help. I had my second six months ago and even though I haven’t lost the same weight people still comment. Good thing is that now I’m more secure of myself and just let it go. As you said I give zero f***s now.
Thank you for this article.
I worked right up to about 2 weeks before having my first, and often I would have women, they too were older with children of their own, would mention how small my bump was. Obviously as a first time mum, I was quite worried, and thought that there must be something wrong with the baby. I worried a lot and would ask my mid-wife if things were okay, which they were, as I ended up having a baby boy that was 8 lbs 10oz. Going back to what Lauren said about other mothers saying how breast milk is the best, it’s like some holy grail for babies. The funny thing is, looking back on how my 3 children went. My 1st baby boy breast fed so well, text book you could say, 20 mins per boob, with my 2nd, a baby girl did not do well at all, I was expressing like a mo fo, and I only fed her on my milk for about 6 months when my milk dried up. THEN with my 3rd, another little girl, she breast fed for about 9 months and again my milk too dried up. So formula it was. AND do you know out of all 3, my boy who was the best feeder, and I breast fed him for 12 months solid, he is the one who is allergic to certain trees, dogs and cats and also has a little it of eczema, and yet my 2 daughters who had mostly formula, are by far the most robust. SO, what does that tell you…?
I have raised four children and now I am part of the “village” that is helping with my grandchildren while my daughter and son-in-law work. In my experience, I have learned that we all “mother” our children differently. And I believe that because each child is different, what works for one may not work for the other. My daughter does what works for her in her own home and I do what works for me in my home. In no circumstance would I ever think to tell her that her way is wrong and mine is better. The kids are functioning just right and know the different “rules” that apply at Nana’s house. For all you new moms out there, just know this; life is hard enough and struggles are real and different for everyone. At some point you’ll also learn that what you did for one of your children may not work for the other. Why? Because like I said, they are all different. You do what is best for each and everyone of your children and don’t allow the outside influences change that. The most important thing for you to do as a mother is to love your child and protect that child. Everything else will flow as it should be. I don’t think the moms out there who are criticizing everyone else for the methods they use are any better either. I don’t think they have their shit together as much as they’d like everyone to believe. Stop the judging! You do your life and let everyone else do their own.
I love this! I complete agree! Recently I saw an article about a mother who had lost her 8 month old baby from having a blanket in the crib and SO many moms wrote in the comments of the article about how they never put blankets in with their babies as to prove something. WTF?!? She just lost her baby it’s heart wrenching and other moms had the nerve to mention how much better they are as a parents?!? I so badly wanted to tell them all off. I could go on but I’ll stop there and thank you for this post.
I absolutely love this post!! Mom shaming is one thing I hate the most!! I felt so much anxiety when I had to stop breastfeeding my little one at 6 weeks due to lack of milk production.. and I had so many women look down on me and even tell me that I should be feeding my baby with what God gave me.. it hurt my feelings so bad! And I struggled with the guilt of it until my MIL looked at me and said you have a healthy and happy baby and that’s all that matters!!❤
One comment that I remember very clearing was when my first daughter was 10 months old. She was always a very petite baby. Her doctor was fine with her slow weight gain because she was still thriving and was healthy. Some lady in Walmart asked me how old she was and when I told her she said “wow was she a preemie?” And I comment “no, she was a day early.” Her next comment was ” Does the doctor say she is healthy?” And I said “yes she is!!! She is advancing in a lot of her milestones.” She made me feel TERRIBLE! Looking back I wish I would have just walked away.
Thank you for sharing Lauren. There were so many times that I felt shamed as a mom. From comments from random strangers at the store to articles given to me from ‘caring’ family members on how what we were doing was ‘wrong’. Some people just don’t seem to think things through on how it will affect others. I will say that through my own experiences I feel like I have become way more sensitive to others and their choices. What is right for me and my family could very likely not be right for the next family.
I love everything about this ????????. Thank you, for bringing light to this topic. Your experiences resembled so much of what I’ve been through. I was blessed with my son in 2010. I tried for a second child starting in 2012. I got pregnant in 2014 and miscarried at 12 weeks. I was told things like “You should have taken more of this Folic Acid ” to ” Well, you can try again. At least you got pregnant.” After my miscarriage in 2014 I started trying again in late 2015. Spring forward to 2017 and still no conception. I was told things like “Just stop trying and it will happen.” I was diagnosed with unexplained infertility after numerous amounts of tests shortly after. I can’t afford IUI or IVF so we left it to God.
My son who is 6 also has a couple of medical conditions. He was diagnosed with Type 1 at age 2 and Celiac decease at age 5. I’ve had things said to me like ” Your son will grow out of it” to ” how did I give my son diabetes”. My son unfortunately has a pancreas that doesn’t support his body. This is not his or my fault.
I think we should all be mindful that comments and mom shaming is unacceptable. We all should be supportive and remember everyone has a story. We may have different ways at times but love and kindness is universal.
My husband and I went on our honeymoon 5 months after our daughter was born. We decided she would stay home with grandma since we were flying internationally. When I posted my excitement on facebook, and asking for recommendations for the island we were visiting, several other moms commented that they could never leave their baby for a week at that age, and that they never left their child until 2+ years, etc. How could we possibly not bring her! Several even bet that we wouldn’t go. I thought it was extremely rude and no ones’ business except mine, my husband’s, and my MIL’s who would be watching her. I didn’t let it affect my day but I found it extremely rude, annoying, and everything BUT supportive.
Such a great post! I’m so happy you brought light to such an important subject! You always do such a great job at sharing what you do, without being judgmental to what others do.
I’m NOT a mom and even I’ve experienced mom shaming. From my decision to not have kids quite yet (“you’re not going to be able to or they are going to have problems!”) to the choices my husband and I make like putting a gate in our backyard to lead out to this gorgeous woodsy area (“you’re kids are going to go out there and die and you’re going to regret it!”)
I can’t even imagine the pressure that’s put on moms and again I love that you spoke out with this post!
Lauren,
Thank you for this wonderful conversation.
Marnie Goldberg mentioned this topic of judging other moms in a recent video and mentioned you.
So glad she did. My kids are in their 20’s now. Our son enters his senior year in college next month.
He is a history major.
The comments we get about it are brutal.
People feel free to say a whole variety of things such as “Why are you allowing him to be a history major???” “I guess he’s not good in math and science!” “A dollar and a history major will get you a cup of coffee!” “What’s he gonna do with That???” “Are you upset he does not want to be a doctor?” It goes on and on…Nevermind that he has straight A’s in all subjects. Is at the top of his class in a top ivy league college. And get this one… He is HAPPY! Loving his course work! Who knows… maybe he’ll be a history professor. Maybe a congressman. Or anything else. I do hope you will continue this conversation. Both on what we say to other and how to deal with incoming uudgments.
Let’s all do the best we can and raise our children to be loving, kind and compassionate adults who pursue their interests and become good citizens of the world. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Thank you for stopping by from Marnie! She’s so sweet! I agree with you 100%!
I am a mother of a 3 year old, and a baby girl on the way. I am 33 years old. After 3 years of parenting, I see how hard sometimes it is. And having emotional support of your close people is so helpful. We as women have a great power to encourage one another, it can be in parenting or even friend relations. We can also bring each other down like no other. I learnt not to let other people opinions bother me much. It is really not my BUSINESS what they think of me or my parenting. Their thoughts come from their life experiences. I am concerned of what I think of myself and if my parenting reflects my values and beliefs. I do pay attention to what my parents or my other close people tell me, cause they know me better than strangers. But I don’t always agree to them either. Nobody knows what is best for us and our children than us, mothers!!! And as humans, we will make wrong decisions and mistakes. And it is ok