[…] can read Lauren’s account of our first miscarriage here, and tips on how to help someone going through a miscarriage […]
Strength. February 13, 2012
It was late August. And I was late. Not late for work, not late for an appointment…..the other kind of late. 4 days to be exact.
I wasn’t ready for this. What seemed like a million thoughts raced through my head. Can I do this? How can I be a mom? I’m going to have a baby? What’s my family going to think? What’s everyone going to think? I’m married, but I still feel like a child. Oh my…
I almost threw up on the checkout counter at my local Walgreens as I went to buy a test. More thoughts racing through my head as woman smiled at me as she rang up my order. What’s she thinking of me? Can she tell I’m 25? She probably thinks I’m 18. Quick, flash your wedding ring so she doesn’t judge you… (ridiculous thoughts, I know. But we all have them.)
My self-induced nausea continued as I got home and tried to convince myself to pee on the stick. I had a complete anxiety attack in my living room. I was crying hysterically, practically hyperventilating. I wasn’t ready for this. I wasn’t ready to be a mom. I could barely open the packaging, let alone aim to pee…I was shaking uncontrollably. The anxiety had completely taken over and I was ready to pass out by the time the result came through. Negative. Oh.
Two more days passed, still no period. Anxiety kicking in again, I struggled to test again. Still negative. Could it be false? I’ve heard of that happening…An incredibly small, barely-there feeling of disappointment passed over me.
Another four days passed, making me a total of ten days late. I was convinced the third test was wrong. There was no way it could still be negative. It had to be wrong. I was hoping that it was wrong. I called my doctor’s office, reported that I was ten days late, and waited for a phone call back from the midwife…..
And then it came.
And I cried. I cried because I wasn’t pregnant. And that’s when I knew I was ready.
Fast forward a few months, I was convinced it was that time of the month again. I was crampy for almost a week, had my usual signs. A wave of disappointment came over me….another month with no such luck. I was four days late, but had such awful cramping that taking a pregnancy test didn’t even cross my mind. Until my friend suggested I take one in case I was actually pregnant, but having an ectopic or miscarriage.
Sure enough, a big fat + sign showed immediately the second the pee hit the stick. I couldn’t even be excited because my first thought was that something was wrong. I called my midwife who said cramping is normal, and to come into the office tomorrow. The next day it was confirmed I was pregnant, and I was given an estimated due date. Holy crap…….we are going to be parents in late September!
That week was filled with joy as I made calls to those I was close with to tell them the news. Being a nurse, I wasn’t all about telling the world until you’re out of your first trimester…but I made sure to tell those I was close with so I would have a good support system if something was to go wrong. Little did I know how much I would need that support system in the close future.
A week later, I began spotting. I went in for two internal ultrasounds, receiving positive reports on both. And then it started three days after……red. Bright red blood, and cramping. “It’s going to be fine,” my husband said. I wasn’t so convinced.
Another internal proved my suspicions right…no heartbeat. Yet baby was measuring appropriately, so my doctors weren’t entirely sure it would end badly. All we could do was wait. And wait. And wait.
The next three days were the longest three days of my life. Waiting is not something I am great at, especially when I’m a rollercoaster of emotions. I spent those three days praying, submerging myself in the Bible, and going through all the motions you would expect one to go through who was just told they were losing their baby. Why me? Why now? Why my first pregnancy? Could they be wrong? I’ll never get to hold my baby…I’ll never know if it’s a boy or girl. I’ll never know….I’m sorry, I’m so so so sorry. I had to completely surrender this to God. Put all my faith in God. It was out of my control.
And then on Friday morning it happened. I woke up, felt decent. Took Motrin for the mild cramping as I was instructed by my midwife. Ate breakfast with my husband, showered…and then the awful cramping started. Oh, the cramping. Cramping so bad I felt like I was going to throw up. So bad I could scream, coming in waves. I prayed for peace, comfort, that this would pass quickly, and that I would be able to get through it with His strength. I spent the next few hours going through the most awful experience of my life. All with my mother, husband, and the Lord by my side. And then it was done.
Surprisingly (or not), a peace came over me after the fact. I felt grateful. Grateful because I didn’t go through this alone. You see, during those three days leading up to the event, I sent out a message on Facebook requesting prayer. I was overwhelmed with the responses I received. Multiple private messages, text messages, e-mails, and phone calls from close friends, not so close friends, people who are barely acquaintances, and some friends that I haven’t seen in years…all sending me their thoughts and prayers. All checking to see if I was okay. And to those I opened up to about my situation, some personal experiences were shared. Which helped me so, so much.
There were a few people who were text messaging and calling me consistently throughout the entire experience. Seeing if there was anything they could help me with…how far along I was in the process…guiding me every step of the way if they had experienced it themselves. Never once did I feel alone.
I learned a few things during the three longest days of my life:
1. Family becomes even closer when one member is undergoing hardship. And they will do anything for you, even if it means coming to your house, cooking you enough food to last a week, rubbing your back, and just sitting with you while you go through it (thanks Mom <3). They will talk to you for as long as you need during the entire process to help you cope (thanks Aunt Di). They will make five million trips to the store for anything you need, wait on you hand and foot, and if they can’t understand what you’re truly going through they will do their best to listen and be there (thank you, my wonderful husband). And even if they are 1000 miles away from you, they will continue to lift you up in prayer and check on you at exactly the right times (my wonderful mother-in-law and sister-in-law).
2. I am blessed with some really amazing friends. So amazing, I could cry happy tears just thinking of their beautiful faces. A few in particular were there for me more than they will ever know. And I thank God for placing them in my life because I’m not sure how I would have gotten through this without their support, encouragement, and prayers.
3. God is with me – always. Even during a time where it seemed like there was no hope, I found hope in Him. He gave me strength, and held me in His hands for the entire course. He gave me understanding during a time where there was no understanding. He gave me peace during a time where that felt impossible. He opened my eyes to things I hadn’t seen before, and turned my deepest despair into joy. And I learned how to TRULY surrender to God during a time where I had no control and didn’t know what else to do. Which is incredibly monumental for me in my walk with Him.
I never once blamed God or myself. I believe God has a plan for us, and He will bless us with beautiful children in the near future. I’m writing this not to receive sympathy, but to share with you my difficult, yet beautiful, experience of losing my first child. And how I could have never done it without the Lord, my family, and friends. I am eternally grateful.
A very wise woman said to me, “A miscarriage is a spirit so pure that it doesn’t have to spend any time on earth before going to heaven to be with God.” I’m not sure she realized how much this statement helped me get through. I know my child is waiting for me in Heaven, and I look forward to the day we will be reunited.
Thank you for allowing me to share this personal piece of my life with you, my lovely reader. I pray you receive something out of my experience, if not just that the Lord is with you always.
“I prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him. So now I give him to the Lord.” 1 Samuel 1:27-28.
Lauren, thank you for sharing this beautiful post. I’m so sorry for your loss and will pray that God continues to heal you and hold you. Your faith in Him is inspiring and I’m grateful you shared it.
Thank you Sarah <3
Thank you so much for sharing your heart. What a comfort to know that your baby is in heaven and you will see them again! I have 3 kids already and hope to have more…and I can’t tell you how many times I was overcome with fear of losing them. God chose to give them all to me…and for that I am so thankful…but God promises to carry us thru those times of fear and sorrow. My prayers are with you my friend and sister. May God bless you again…You are a life giver!! Love and hugs
Thank you Elly <3 He does carry us through! Don't think I could make it through life without Him.
I am so sorry you had to go through that and I am glad you have wonderful family and friends who supported you. It is strange how life works isn’t it, you learned from your experience and tonight as I read this, a woman in a total different time of a woman’s life, I am grateful I stopped for a moment to check my facebook. I am rushing around tonight with my 3 boys, fixing dinner, getting boy scout uniforms ready, finishing up last minute Valentines, and to be perfectly honest I am a cranky. I am glad I read your post, gave me the opportunity to stop take a deep breath and be thankful. So thank you for sharing something so deeply personal and I wish and hope for only wonderful things for you in your future.
I’m so glad I could do that for you Ali! And thank you <3
Very touching!!
For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Jer 29:11
Thank you for sharing such a personal story!! You have helped many more then you know by sharing!
The generous will prosper; those who refresh others will themselves be refreshed. Prov 11:25
Thank you for sharing!!! XO
You’re welcome! I hope I inspired many <3 Love you girl!
All I can say is thank you. I know you don’t really know me but you have touched me in a very intimate and profound way because you were willing to share something so personal to help others. Well you did. I was only pregnant once and it resulted in a miscarriage. I
was alone. Well I always thought I was. Now you have
helped me realize God was
with me when I lost my one
and only child and they are waiting for me in heaven. You have brought peace to a place inside of me that has been filled with such pain and grief for almost thirty years. God bless you. Love, Tricia
Tricia, that brings tears to my eyes! I am so happy to have brought you peace through my testimony! I knew God had a reason for me to share, and you just confirmed that. God bless, and I pray that peace stays in your heart! <3
My heart goes out to you and your family. I know you didn’t post this for pity but I can truely relate to your experience and heartache. I have three wonderful children but also lost 2 babies in the first trimester (unknown). I too believe that God has a plan for everyone and things happen for a reason. Your baby will always be with you and watch over you. It’s also very important that you both express your feelings to each other, guys seem to hold things in. You have experienced the greatest loss and for this you are called Mother! bless you and may you have many joys ahead … lots of love jena
Thank you Jena for those encouraging words. My husband finally let his emotions loose after proofreading my post for me….he had been holding it in, trying to be so strong for me! But we have peace in knowing our little one is with the Lord <3 Thank you for reading and letting me share!
Lauren – this is so special of you to share this story on your blog. I have several friends who have gone through a similar experience and they have been terrified to voice it and share it. You are so brave and such a great person (seems like, I’m just getting to know you)! Thank you for sharing. I’m sure there are no words that I could offer to console you during this horrible tragedy, but I find it such a blessing that you are positive and faithful even after you’ve been through this. Hugs!
Thank you Nikki! That means so much to me <3 Helped you to get to know me a little bit more, huh? 😉 Thank you for your kind words!
I’m so sorry for your experience – but I’m so blessed to heart your heart and the HOPE that this article exudes!! Thanks for being a blessing – what a great perspective on difficulty! May the Lord continue to bless you!
Thank you Rhonda! And thanks for tweeting the post 😉
Beautiful post, thank you for sharing this as I’m sure you will be a help to someone going through a similar situation. New follower, glad I found you! I also miscarried our first baby, I did not have anyone besides my husband and God but we made it through. God Bless you!
Hi Ange! I’m glad you made it through….it’s still hard, and I have my good and bad days. Today was a bad day 🙁 And being surrounded by pregnant people doesn’t always help! But I suppose that comes with the grieving process. Thanks for reading, and allowing me to share 🙂
Lauren,
I am so sorry to hear of your loss … it truly breaks my heart and it also hits very close to home. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for over 4 years … after multiple fertility treatments, we were able to get pregnant in August of 2010. I miscarried at 8 weeks and there are simply no words to describe the utter devestation that we felt. To have tried for so long without success and then to finally be pregnant … we totally went there in our minds and in our hearts and the shock of having it all taken away was horrible. I however, like you, have a relationship with the Lord and can totally attest His faithfulness. It took my breath away (and still often does!) to think back to that time in my life, almost a year and a half ago … the loss has something to do with that for sure … but, even more, what takes my breath away is how inbelievably faithful and loving and good God was, and continues to be, through the entire experience and on this journey as a whole. He has surrounded us with people who support us, continually lift us up in prayer and go out of their way to shine His love and comfort into our lives. Looking back, our miscarriage was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through and, indeed this journey of infertility as a whole as been the most difficult challenge of my 36 years of life … but I wouldn’t change it because of all it has allowed me to experience ~ those precious weeks of being pregnant will be with me always and, for all I know, they may be the only chance I will ever have to be a Mom. Even if I never got to hold our child, that doesn’t change the fact that God created a miracle in me and allowed me to work with Him on that miracle, if even for only a little while. What you wrote, “A miscarriage is a spirit so pure that it doesn’t have to spend any time on earth before going to heaven to be with God” speaks indescribable peace into my heart ~ thank you. Everything we have been through and continue to go through has enabled me to grow in my relationship with the Lord and also with fellow believers … it has allowed me to put all of my faith and trust in our all powerful and all knowing God … bottom line, He knows best! His plans are good, always … even when we can’t seem to understand the ins and outs of why things happen the way they do. He is unfailing … ALWAYS there to bring His peace and comfort when we need it most (and that has been a whole LOT of times over the past 4 plus years!). He is full of grace and forgiveness for my shortcomings and moments of fleeting overwhelming confusion and upset … He loves us the same as He did yesterday, as He does today and as He will tomorrow. We are His and He desires what is best for us. Period. … I have had to try to come to some sort of understanding as the the “whys” in our journey and God has shown me that this is a time in my life where I need His molding and shaping and refining … and though it is painful, I am trusting that it is not all for nothing. He has begun a good work in me and, if it be His will, the joy I experience in having a child of our own one day will totally blow my socks off, I am SURE! God doesn’t do things in a small way … He has a habit of going BIG and I trust, one way or another, He will either give us an inexplicable peace with not having children OR He will bless us with the most amazing little ones ever! We are still on the journey and just underwent an IVF procedure that was unsuccessful … with every heartbreaking result, it does not get easier for us … but we do grow and develop an even greater love for our God and an even deeper understanding of His gentleness with us. I admire you for your courage in following His promptings for you to share your story. To follow one’s convictions like that isn’t always easy but I do know that we are blessed beyond measure when we step out boldly for His glory. May our AWESOME, LOVING and GRACE FILLED God bless you for your desire to share your heart and your love for, and trust in, Him with others.
Love and Hugs,
Misty
I hope my comment made it to you … 😉 ~ xx
I did! For some reason I thought I responded and it looks like it never went through? Just replied…you are a blessing my dear <3
Misty….you are such a blessing as a blog reader. Thank you for sharing all of this with me…I almost don’t even know what to say because you’ve said it all! I’m so happy you have a relationship with God to help you get through all of this. We can get through anything with Him! What’s amazing is that you ARE a Mom…your baby is blessed enough to be resting in God’s hands. You will meet again for sure, just like I will meet my little one. It gives me peace to know he or she is waiting for me up there in Heaven. It’s amazing how our God is so great even in our times of despair! He has a plan for us Misty, that’s for sure. We have to take comfort in knowing that! Praying for you and your husband during this time. May God bless you for your desires as well! I look forward to hearing of your journey with Him by your side. <3
Lauren, what a beautiful post. I cried through most of your post because I had a miscarriage last month. We went in for our first ultrasound and the doctor couldn’t detect a heartbreak. I cried for you because I know exactly what you went through and how you felt, but I also cried at how blessed you are to have such a wonderful support system. I did too and I don’t think I could have made it through without my husband, family, friends, and prayers. I heard that same quote (about the baby waiting for us in heaven) right after my miscarriage and found it very comforting too. I will be praying for you and your husband. God has a plan for you and I know you’ll get pregnant when the time is right 🙂
Oh Kristen, I’m so sorry you had to experience that 🙁 I’m so glad you had a great support system as well. Thank you for your prayers, I pray that you will be blessed again soon as well! <3
Thank you, Lauren. It’s really nice to know that there are others out there. Talking and praying about it has really helped me to heal. You’re in my prayers 🙂
I am so so sorry and I know how you feel. Your story is similar to ours, where we were kinda surprised by the pregnancy, but once we started to breathe again, became so excited. We lost our baby at 14 weeks. I also wrote a blog post, so I know you are not looking for sympathy, but it is healing. It is also healing to talk about it, especially to those who have been through it. I know we don’t know each other but we are now connected through this. You are now included in my prayers. When we became pregnant I asked God to take care of our baby…that’s exactly what he did. I’m here if you need me……
I’m so sorry you had to go through that Kara 🙁 I would love to read your post, can you send me a link? I will try to search for it on your blog too. I have peace in knowing my baby is resting in God’s hands. I know yours is there near mine 🙂 <3
Here is the link…
http://everydayinstilettos.wordpress.com/2011/10/06/our-healing-hearts/
Thinking of you. Kara
Thank you!
Thankyou for sharing this beautiful post Lauren. I’m happy that you have a relationship with God that helped you through this. I to have a strong relationship with the Lord. You are an inspiration to so many of us. Thankyou.
I’m so glad I could be an inspiration Krista! Thank you for reading 🙂 (P.S. I haven’t forgotten about you and will get back to you this week!)
I’m just now reading this and wanted to thank you for being so open. Have you ever read “Heavrn is for Real”? It’s about a little boy who is taken up to heaven. The book talks about how he got to meet his unborn sister. Thought I would mention it to you. I was a mess and I’ve never even been pregnant. Worth a read
I mean *heaven!
A good friend told me the same thing about that book! It’s been sitting in my Amazon.com shopping cart forever, I need to go ahead and buy it! Thanks for the tip!
Indeed, Lauren … it is a wonderful book … you would enjoy it and it brought peace to my heart as well. xx
wow, thank you for posting this. God is amazing and thank you for sharing something very personal like this. There is such healing in this passage. I have never experienced anything like this bt I always have this fear when it comes to trying to get pregnant because of my own mindset and worry. My husband and I want a big family and this passage really put everything in to perspective for me. Thank you for helping me to see to just trust in HIM.
Hey there. I just found your blog on Instagram through your doula. I am going through infertility treatment right now and have also lost a pregnancy. It was much earlier on than your sounds to be, but I just wanted to say that you are not alone, and you obviously know that pretty well from what I can tell! I wanted to send some love and support your way. You have been blesses with an adorable little boy now and I hope to one day be able to experience being a mother myself. Take care!
I have no idea how, after so many years, I have come across this post, but I can’t tell you how thankful I am to have read this. My husband and I suffered a miscarriage not too long ago, but fortunately we are pregnant again and I am almost 13 weeks! Everything is progressing beautifully and I couldn’t be more grateful for this blessing we have been given. Since being pregnant again, I have so much joy that from time to time I forget how much pain the miscarriage brought us, and while this post reminded me of that pain, it happened in a good way. As I sit here teary eyed thinking about it all, I am thrilled to know that others who go through this are brave enough to talk about it and, above all, it’s so refreshing to know there are others who lean on God through these times. He is so powerful and it’s people like you that he works through to help others during difficult times. God bless you and your strong, beautiful heart!!
Lauren,
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry for your loss but I am so happy for the lovely people that were around you to comfort and support you. This post gave me hope in our journey to become parents. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for 2 years now. I have been through 2 failed IVF cycles and will be trying again in July. I am sure you know how heartbreaking it is to not have a child of your own. I have almost lost all hope and I have to say reading this post has given me the strength to move forward and to stay hopeful!
Thank you so much,
Kim
Oh Lauren I cried and cried as I was reading your story, it was like hitting re-play to mine. Thank you for sharing your story because some how God has given me Reassurance that it will be ok and that in its perfect time me and my husband will experience the joy of having another pregnancy.
May the Lord bless you on your current pregnancy and continues to bring joy to your family.
I just learned via your Insta story the other day that you have had 2 miscarriages, one being with your first pregnancy. This post hits me in all the feels. We had a miscarriage with our first pregnancy last May, and I’m now 37 weeks pregnant with our second. It was far and away the most terrible, awful, gut wrenching experience of my life. It drew my husband and I so much closer to Jesus and so much closer to the community that surrounded us. With our baby boy being just 3 weeks from arrival, I’m feeling so much mommy guilt. Guilt about being so happy about this baby, almost like I’ve forgotten the one we lost. But I know that first sweet, beautiful baby is waiting on us in Heaven, sitting and singing at the feet of Jesus, so much happier than we could have ever made him/her here on earth. Thank you for sharing your story!